Sandwell Council Wanna Shut Me Down

Had a phone call today from Mr Jobsworth of Sandwell Council. Apparently, the music was too loud on Saturday night and they're gonna do their utmost to have me shut down.

This isn't the first time I've had this shit to deal with.

In fact, last year, they sent me a NOISE ABATEMENT NOTICE which was basically my last chance to change my ways and be a nice little quiet chap.

The next course of action, according to my warning last year is a trip to the courts with a potential £20,000 fine and my license revoked.

Saturday night was karaoke night here.

Some of you reading this would have been here.

It was the night when all the girls spent ages in the ladies loo's, slagging each other off and either castigating or defending Somebody for their behavior with another person's man (I ain't getting into that one, either - keeping quiet for now).

Delly was karaoke-ing (well, not much karaoke as it happened, as the computer was playing up. Probably didn't start until 9.45 p.m.) and I did the Play Your Cards Right (Big Shell & Little Shell won £140).

It was a hot, sticky night. Windows were opened (even though they shouldn't have been) because it was as hot as hell in here.

Now. The Doors And Windows should remain shut at all times, thanks to Mr Jobsworth. We are being a public nuisance to someone by enjoying ourselves in our friendly, fun way. There's always some fecker who hates you for smiling. I should know. I smile like a mongol on mescaline and yes, some people hate me for it. And don't try to feck me off about calling em mongols. Does it make the condition any better if we call it something new? No. Feck off.

Mr Jobsworth issued the rules last year that made us shut down the karaoke early i.e. 11 o clock.

Miserable Fecker.

Its not as if we are really a nuisance. We're not. This building was built as a house, not a pub. Built for the owner of the local brickworks. They used his own, finest, toughest, strongest Rowley Blue Bricks. These bricks are world renowned for their superiority. They're very good insulators and sound, trust me, does not escape. ...... Unless the windows and doors are open. Also, bear in mind, that good insulators work well in both directions. We are never very loud, with karaoke. We don't need to be. These excellent walls keep all the noise inside, so, the amp is not switched up high. We couldn't stand it if it was.

I challenge anyone to walk about outside here on a Saturday night, whilst karaoke is in full swing, and tell me they think there is a problem for my neighbours. It's not a problem. We are not bad neighbours.

The problem is...... someone out there doesn't like me.

Or my pub.

One or the other.

Or both.

They are complaining because they can. Not because there is a noise.

Last year, I used to have "Live Bands" on Thursday nights. Not every Thursday, but as often as was realistically possible. I was trying hard to justify (to myself) these Thursdays, as they were not as popular as they should have been. Bands cost a lot of money and not enough people were coming out to support it. I tried advertising the nights with A0 size posters on 2 special billboards I had made.

It wasn't long after starting the advertisements for "Rock Bands" that I started having calls from Mr Jobsworth.

The conversations would always be pretty much the same.....

"... We've had a complaint from one of your neighbours about noise on Thursday night. You had a 'rock band' on, I understand".

"Yes. We had Led Zep here, mate"

"And the fire exits were open. And the windows were open. And it was too loud"

"Mr Jobsworth. With all due respect, Feck Right Off"

"Eh?... What was that?"

"I said, Excuse My Cough. The Windows were shut. The Fire Exits were shut. The band were not excessively loud. They played to the people in this room, which I can tell you is not very big. There was not a noise problem"

"Well Mr Tarplee, we've had a complaint and we have to respond to these complaints ..... blar .... blar ...... "

So. Eventually, Mr Jobsworth paid me a home visit. I showed him the room and tried to insist on giving him a demonstration of the so called "noise". He didn't want to know. If he'd have allowed me to demonstrate, I could have put on some music and turned it up, pretty damned loud. So loud that it is uncomfortable to stay in the room. Then we could've walked outside and followed the perimeter of the building. He wouldn't've heard anything. I think he knew this, which is why he refused. He just wanted to hand me his letter of warning and feck off home for his dinner.

I asked him who was complaining. He wouldn't tell me. All he would tell me was that he had the power to have me shut down for non-compliance with an order if I caused a noise nuisance again.

So. Some mystery person, who doesn't like me , or my pub, or both and who can remain incognito has, in effect, the power to close me down.

And this went on. I had more complaints and defended myself as best I could.

One Monday morning, I went to Staples to get my big poster printed to advertise the following Thursday. I design the posters myself. They ain't bad. In fact, they look quite professional, as if designed for me. I came back with my 2 posters, got out my bucket of wallpaper paste and put up my advert for "Gandi's Walrus", or whoever it was.

Within a hour of pasting up the advert, I got a call from Gandi saying his band of walrus's couldn't make it, sorry.

Oh well, never mind.

I left the posters up. I just couldn't be arsed to get them down, truth be told. Taking them down wasn't really an option anyway, as I only ever posted over the old ones, so up they stayed.

Thursday came and went without Gandi. No-one in the pub that night even mentioned to me that I was advertising a Gandi that they'd come particularly out to see.

Friday morning I got a call from Mr Jobsworth complaining about the noise from last night's rock band.

Did I give Mr Jobsworth a round of fecks or what? I told him to go boil his head and if he wanted to see my video evidence, from my security system, showing "No Gandi" he could come along and I'd prove it. I told him to go and tell this nosey feckwit who keeps complaining that they are lying feckers and to take this as proof of my innocence.

I knew then where my problem was. Advertising on the outside wall was giving this neighbour a free ride to Arseholeville.

I stopped the adverts. Well, changed them to adverts for cheep beer offers.

The complaints stopped for a while.

Then. One day last summer I had a letter of Mr Jobsworth saying that there had been another complaint about noise and that they were not going to tolerate it. This was my final warning. This letter came with a NOISE ABATEMENT NOTICE served to me.

Any more complaints and I'm fecked.

Well. I had this phone call, this morning, from Mr Jobsworth.

He's coming to see me tomorrow at 3.30 p.m.

He might not survive the meeting.

I will not stand for some arsehole to threaten my livelyhood without a fight. I will make it quite clear to him how careful he needs to be.

The other day I threatened to leave here. And I still might. But not for some fecker with a clipboard.

If I have to continue writing this blog from a prison cell, then so be it.

I will not be threatened. No way.

I'll let you know how I get on as soon as Jo can get my laptop into Winson Green for me.