Oh My Aching Back :o(

I've suffered from this poorly aching back for three weeks now. Its just about sent me mental.

Its all my own fault of course. The pain is due to mechanical failure of my bones, who's epic job it has been, to support this colossal weight for all these years.

The bones are trapping the nerves as the muscles push and pull against each other, compensating, first on one side and then the other until the whole orchestra of pain is reaching the crescendo of Last Night Of The Proms.

So. This afternoon, I stood in just my badly fitting boxer shorts looking out the window while a bloke I'd only just met, looks me up and down, tut-tutting not quite to himself and muttering “Hmm. Yes. Looks like its mainly on the right hand side”.

I stood there in his surgery while he asked the usual questions about my diet and alcohol intake.

To be fair, he wasn't, or at least didn't seem to be too judgemental. I think I was as honest with him as I could have been.

“Do you take regular medication?”

“I should do, but I don't” I confessed. I should take Blood Pressure and Cholesterol tablets but without someone standing over me, making me take them, I just don't seem to get around to taking them.

“And Pain Relief? Ibuprofen?”

“No. Not Ibuprofen. Co-Codomol. Prefer Codeine”.

“Ah..... on prescription! So you've seen your doctor about this?”

“Erm... No. The Co-Codomol are someone elses”.

“So you are happy to take someone else's medication but not your own”

Thank you Doctor, for understanding how things are on planet Tarplee.

Nick Simpson is his name. Registered Osteopath. He's the guy who, this afternoon has cavorted with me on a couch. He wrestled me in a “Big Daddy” style, but a “Big Daddy” that has already convinced his opponent that you should help him out some, by first letting him put your legs and arms in curious scissor positions.

I think he had me in what they call a “half Nelson”. He bent before me with his one arm and shoulder holding my legs, his other arm and shoulder holding my shoulders, with his knee to my groin. Then he just sort of pulled me apart in the way you might try to open a giant 6ft Christmas Cracker if you were on your own. It took a few “rocks” back and forth first of all, perhaps while he lulled me into a false sense of security.

And so, sufficiently lulled and with my worry mingled with shyness that I'm butt naked, apart from my ill-fitting boxers and there's a man touching me almost everywhere, he cracked me.

The noise was considerably louder than any of us had expected. Even Nick looked a little frightened by the sound.

I had pains just about everywhere.

Both my legs had decided to display their dis-satisfaction, by refusing to allow Nick to bend them where he wanted them. Spasms of violent cramp had me almost kick the poor fella in the face.

I'm home now and I'm now in severe pain, as he said I would be. I'm to expect this to come and go over the next few days but not to panic. If I still feel like even Stephen Hawking could beat me up the stairs, this time next week, I'm to give him a call. In the meantime, he's off on his holidays. Skiing.

Thanks Nick. Have a nice trip. And Oh Yes. Be careful. Wouldn't want you hurting your back.